when I have fears that I may cease to be / before my pen has gleaned my teeming brain… (john keats, “when i have fears that i may cease to be”, written 1818, published 1848) / “one of these days, someone will say ‘i knew it all along’… god, can it happen today?” (jonathan larson, “one of these days”, early draft of superbia, 1980’s)
ᯓ★ listen to this playlist that i wrote to while you read to set the vibe ★ᯓ
i’m turning twenty-two in exactly two weeks and i’m “trying to ignore the tick-tick-booms.”1 it’s become routine once i enter this traditionally celebratory territory to reevaluate every choice i’ve made, realize that i’ve lived for two decades already (and what long decades they’ve been), and that if all goes to plan in terms of scientific human lifespan, i have an estimated 70-ish more years left on earth. if we’re talking stats, i’ve lived about 31.4% of a life.
this year is the first time in this 31.4% of a life where i’m not commemorating my existence with some creatively exuberant plan, in favor of peace and quiet. there is far too much on my mind to wear a dollar tree party hat and act like everything’s perfectly fine and dandy. it’s been a rough year for a number of reasons, and this month in particular i want to focus on taking care of myself.
with the lack of a proper schedule over the past three months, i’ve been painting, drawing, sewing, collaging, and obviously doing a whole boatload of writing. art is all i’ve had since graduating, and i want to spend my hours pouring my energy into my craft (*commence eye rolls*) before i inevitably get a job, begin the graduate school application process, and give the rest of my 68.6% of life away to developing a career.
however, spending this much time on my own work has it’s pitfalls. i have found myself hyper-focused on the broad idea of recognition and how i feel like i’m running out of time to gain it.
jonathan larson (1960-1996) tackles this notion in most of his work, but in tick, tick…boom! it is the most prominent. in the new york times, playwright and tick, tick… boom! script consultant david auburn writes of the piece (which was about to open at the new york theatre workshop at the time):
As the title suggests, ''Tick, Tick . . . Boom!'' is all about the fear of running out of time: to succeed, to be the artist and the person you want to be.2
in the musical’s opening monologue (fig. 1), “jon” compares where he is at (almost) thirty to his father, who was younger than him when he was born, and napoleon bonaparte, who was already a celebrated war general and newly self-appointed first consul of france. in the 2021 film adaption (helmed by the direction of lin manuel miranda), andrew garfield’s jonathan larson laments that he is older than the sondheim who wrote west side story and paul mccartney when he and john lennon wrote their final song together. the writer was entering a new decade of his life without the “proper” achievements to show for it, and the ticking clock in his mind made sure to remind him of it. you can make out his anxieties in the opening number of TTB!, “30/90”: “turn thirty, 1990 / bang! you’re dead, what can you do?”3 or “clear the runway, make another pass / try one more approach before you’re out of gas.” in 1990, jonathan larson (jonathan larson!) was about eight years older than me and he felt the same way about his art that i do about mine.
i've been told that a large part of adulthood is accepting that others are allowed to be better than you at certain acts/tasks/jobs/etc., simply because we are all on different paths in our lives. no one is driving on the same track. obviously! some folks are just older than i am and have had alternative routes and more time. great! the thing is, i've also been told that i'm stubborn and competitive and enjoy finishing in first place; it seems that these two things can coexist (and it’s very good to be self aware and humble about it).
new york city is such a strange place to take up space in as someone involved in the arts. i’ve lived here my entire life, and there is rarely anything that puts me off about it. as i’ve entered adulthood and attempted to embed myself in creative communities, i find myself getting cold feet and yearning to retreat into the countryside to hide forever. everyone within an arm’s length has written plays, worked on major projects (and i mean major), curated gallery exhibits, or had their own art hung up on gallery walls. on one hand, it’s absolutely incredible to see people so young be so passionate about their work - it inspires me to the highest degree. on the other, i find myself exhibiting a form of primal, ancient jealousy not seen since neanderthaloid times. it’s the eternal “why not me?”, both in the sense of personal achievement and talent. i don’t feel like i should be anywhere near these people because i am so intimidated and frightened by them; born to fit in, forced to be an outsider.
recently i’ve experienced a seemingly paradoxical phenomenon where i spend an extensive amount of time on a project, most times deeply personal and meaningful to me, only for it not to receive the accolades i feel it deserves. this makes me extremely upset, leading me to vow to quit art forever until i get started on another piece. this is very wah-wah sof isn’t getting attention you poor, sad baby, trust me, i know. there’s a large part of me that conflates artistic approval with love, belonging, and a confirmation of my talent. i’m working on separating the two since taste is subjective and artistic approval isn’t everything, but i still value it despite. support is so incredibly important to me and i stand by that!
all this is due to two factors: one being that i deeply love my own work. i only start to feel slight disdain for what i make when others don’t see the inherent value that i perceive in it. yes, this is sad, but we’ve all been there! we’re human! sure, everything can’t be for everyone, but how is it not for someone? the second factor is the sheer existence of social media. algorithms suck, man! we live in the age of endless content and immediate feedback being seen as reassurance.4 everywhere you scroll, someone’s announcing something cool-as-hell, all the while you’re laying on your bed watching trash tv. and it’s not like you don’t feel an immense amount of pride that the people you know are doing incredible things, it’s just that you wish you could be up there shining along with them.
if there’s one thing that’s certain, i want my work to make an impact on someone’s life, to mean something to someone other than myself. i have developed my talents over an entire lifetime and i want to be acknowledged for that, as we all do. there’s a mental timer that beeps as the days go on, reminding me that others have accomplished so much in such a short amount of time. i feel the need to work myself to the bone trying to catch up, otherwise i’ll be left in the dust. there’ll be someone shiny & new who can do what i do and it’ll be their time instead, rightfully so. innumerable amounts of artists (ex. van gogh) didn’t get the chance to make a name for themselves while alive, and i’d rather have the chance to do so myself before it’s too late.
by the end of tick, tick…boom!, jon gets the news from his agent that his show superbia didn’t get an offer to be produced. however, he receives a call from stephen sondheim (1930-2021) (who attended the show’s presentation), delivering his praises and asking to meet up to discuss his work. the older writer tells him: “you’re going to have a great future.” in real life, sondheim became a great mentor to larson in the years before the latter’s untimely death. he stated in an interview: “(jonathan larson) was still finding a voice and i think he still is. but he had a voice and that was the important thing.”5
to give myself grace, i still do have that 68.6% of life left to experience. it’s proven difficult to remind myself that i don’t have to operate on the levels of others, but i want so much to firmly believe it. in the long run, what matters is my own verve and drive, not how many publications i have or big accomplishments i have under my belt; i still have so much time to get those done (and i will. that’s a threat). plenty of people turn away from art due to lack of tangible “rewards”, but i think it only motivates me further to create. i don’t plan on losing my spark of hope anytime in the near future. it may dim at times, but i only hope it grows more resilient as i wrap up another trip around the sun.
https://kupdf.net/download/tick-tick-boom-script_5912c76bdc0d600e6f959ebd_pdf
https://www.nytimes.com/2001/06/10/theater/theater-he-wrote-of-time-running-out-and-it-did.html
the second chorus swaps this for “boom! you’re passé”
me being forced to confront my own issues through writing & wincing while doing so
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/12/13/movies/stephen-sondheim-jonathan-larson.html